Not Cut Out for This

(warning -- major tirade...you really DON'T have to read this.)

I'm losing it today. I probably shouldn't, but I am.

I'm not domestic. I wasn't raised to be domestic. In fact, my parents did a terrible job imparting domestic skills to me. I got punished and berated quite frequently for not doing my chores right, being organized, etc., but they never bothered with actually teaching me HOW to do these things or imparting these habits. Being ten years younger than anyone else in my household, my mother just thought it simpler to clean when I wasn't around. The few chores they did give me, such as vacuuming, I never did right. No, that's not the way it was said. Usually, my mom would look over the room and say "You didn't vacuum this."

These skills didn't matter. I was going to go to college and have a career. That's what I was told was important from when I was little. They kind of overlooked the fact that I still have to live somewhere and eat...even without the unthinkable possibility that I might end up "wasting my life" at home with my kids, doing a sucky job keeping house.

So I suck...REALLY suck at keeping house. And I hate it. Not that I haven't done Flylady, read books, etc. I still suck. And for this post, please spare me the "this worked for me bit." Because that's not the point.

I can say that I understand the VALUE of keeping house. I respect the sanctity of the home, the love that it imparts to my family, and the noble ideas of it all. But I still hate it. I WANT to like it. I know all about the doctine of vocation, too, and so I don't need to hear from the traditionalists who want to tell me that if I wanted to do anything else, I would be disobeying God's will. Bite me.

I went to college to be a therapist, to interact with the world. To help others. Now eighteen years later, I still don't have that frigging Masters degree done because of kids and moves and other stuff. I know that raising good kids is probably the best way to help the world not go down the toilet. I even know that to a large extent, despite all my "issues," I'm erasing a lot of the damage that my parents passed on to me.

I have managed to teach myself to cook, and I'm damn good at it. But cooking means cleaning. It's a never ending Sisyphean battle. When I clean, I find that I get extremely angry. I feel the paralyzing rage that I felt being stuck in those no-win situations growing up. I can just feel it flood up within me....which is probably the plus side of my also not doing a good job of imparting these skills to my children.

When I was growing up, the promise of the future was that I would be able to study something I was interested in and spend my life doing something that I enjoyed. Instead, 80% of my life SHOULD be devoted to something that I completely despise and suck at (and I'd be happy just to feel like I merely tolerate it). And I am surrounded by the proof that I suck at it.

This has become all the more clear this week, because I generally avoid the distress by eating out way too much, because eating out means no dishes, no food falling on the floor, etc. But I recently learned that I have celiac disease...or at least all the symptoms of it. There are now very few places that I CAN eat, especially cheaply (and no, I don't want the list of those, either). This is probably a blessing in disguise, because it means that rather than cooking 3-4 times a week, I am cooking every day, for most all meals (and no, I really don't want any advice here, either...or any recommendations on great gluten free pasta or baking products). I've lost ten pounds, and health-wise, I feel better, and the rushed trips to the bathroom have lessened considerably. But it means I am even more immersed in dishes and dirty floors, and stoves that need cleaned, and more time in a house that is a constant reminder of my inadequacies.

And I still suck at it.

I am completely overwhelmed.

I know I finally need to grow up and finally do this. But right now, I just want to hide in bed and cry...and punch something...repeatedly.

Thanks for listening. I may want some of those tips on all of these things later. Just not now.