Helping Children in Church

(I wrote this when I was on Wordpress...I wanted to repost it here)

How children should behave in church, and what limits should be set can be quite a contentious issue. Personally, I like children in church. I don’t even think it is tantamount to a crime to hear them babbling or fussing in church. Over the years as a pastor’s wife and a La Leche League Leader, I’ve heard so many stories about getting the evil eye by simply walking into the sanctuary with a babe in arms or a toddler. Obviously, if your child is proving to be a distraction or too loud for others to hear, it is a matter of consideration to take them out and deal with it. What that means is defined by your family perspective on it and the age and temperment of your child.

But I am a firm believer in “faith comes by hearing,” and children certainly belong in the presence of their savior, and need to be a part of the body of all believers from the instant they are baptized. I am always scared that nurseries, children’s church, or Sunday school during church give one of two (or both) messages to children: That they don’t belong in the presence of God, or that they should be involved in activities that are more fun than church. Either message can be incredibly damaging to their faith. We segregate so many aspects of life according to age, I don’t believe worshiping our Lord and receiving His gifts is an area where we should be doing this.

That being said, having children in church can be a challenge. I ought to know. As a pastor’s wife, I am a single parent on Sunday. With so many men who are not involved in church anymore, and so many babies not born into nuclear, married families—many women are put in the position that if they want to go to church, they have to take care of their kids alone, and so many of them put off the challenge of having children in church until an age when they might be easier to handle.

I don’t think there is an age that is “easier to handle.” Babies and toddlers are truly a challenge, but they don’t get easier, they just change how they fight against it, if they are not used to it.

I don’t want to make it seem like I believe this is easy. There were days I stayed home because I wasn’t up to the fight of keeping Maggie in the pew that day or dealing with Chris’s moods (he definitely was NOT a morning person. A wonderfully friendly person would go up to him and say “Good morning, Christopher, and he would glare at them and yell “NOOOO” and then bury his head in my shoulder). And there were days when I wonder why I was there because I didn’t hear a word of the sermon, wasn’t able to go to communion, etc. and I was exhausted or in tears the rest of the day (which is why having a husband or family there with you is wonderful.) But as I sit with my kids in church now, and even watch them frequently go to church even when I can’t, simply because they want to, I know that it was worth it.

So here are some things that did make it easier for me:

1. Sit in front. Most parents have a tendency to sit in the back because they don’t feel like the whole church sees when their children act up, and they can make an easy exit. But scooch down to your child’s level. They can’t see anything besides the back of people’s heads. They don’t see why they are there. They often behave a lot better when they can see what is going on.

In our church, there are side aisles, so while I sat up front, I didn’t necessarily sit front and center, so I could still make an easy exit. There even was a door off to the side to a hallway. But even if you don’t have that, it is less distracting to everyone than you think if you need to walk down the aisle (side) or the nave.

2. Bring quiet toys, non-messy snacks, and a drink in a bottle or sippy cup (or discreetly nurse). The fact of the matter is, young children don’t have the attention span to deal with nothing but church for the whole service, and having something quiet to do helps, and if nothing else, it helps you. Chris used to love to stack hymnals, and when he got done, he would put them in a new stack. Plastic animals, stuffed animals, Hot Wheels (if your kid is not the kind that goes Vrroomm) or coloring books can be a help. And also, kids behave better when their blood sugar is even. Something like Cheerios is generally fine. And, having a drink right there means there is one less reason to take them out which means you get to hear more.

3. Pay attention to what is developmentally appropriate. For instance, a baby or toddler will have difficulty sitting still. He is not being rebellious or difficult, his mind is just hard-wired for movement at that age. Also, take into account temperament. My son Chris could sit still and become absorbed in books at an early age. At the same age, Maggie needed to move.

I would take my kids out if they couldn’t sit still, but somewhere around late two or early three, it became clear to me that it wasn’t that my child COULDN’T keep from being active, he just didn’t want to. This was then more of an issue of limits rather than ability. When this became the case, leaving the sanctuary meant that we went and sat perfectly still in a chair for 5 minutes out in the parish hall. They then learned that since snacks, coloring books, etc. were still in the church, they could actually do more in church than they could if we left.

Children are even hard-wired to challenge limits. My rule was they could play quietly in the pew, but couldn’t leave the pew. Maggie would go to the edge of the pew, get “that look” in her eye and then bolt. We’d do the chair in the parish hall thing and then I’d ask, “are you ready to go sit in the pew now?” Often, especially at first, we’d be right back in the parish hall in five minutes. After a while, it became a non-issue. As frustrating as this is, it is actually quite normal, and is part of their learning to think for themselves. Your job is to set good limits and make them stick!

I know a discussion on my homeschool board had where some parents with each five minutes their child was good they’d give them a pile of tokens and then take one away for each infraction during church. With my kids, just leaning over and whispering to them, “you are being SO good” was enough. If I were doing tokens and such, I’d be inclined to give them one every five minutes that they were good rather than take them away. Some kids will do anything to keep from losing one, and with my kids — Maggie probably would’ve cried, and Chris would’ve debated with me why he shouldn’t have lost it.

3. Try 1-2-3 Magic. This is a book or video you can generally get in the library or at Barnes and Noble/Borders. When I was working as a social worker, this was one of the programs we taught to parents who were in the DCS system. IT takes the emotion out of it, which is nice, and sets clear warnings. I was going out of my mind with my daughter who bounces off the walls, and when I started using it, it helped SO much. It worked great in the home, but it worked MARVELOUSLY in church. Maggie was three, and very active. She’d forget to whisper if she had to tell me something, I could just hold up one finger. Three minutes later, she might start trying to walk out of the pew. I’d gently grab her wrist (my reflexes were getting pretty good by this point) and bring her back and hold up two fingers. If something else happened that was not right, within that fifteen minute time period, she got a time out. At first, I went out with her, but eventually, I could just have her stand right in the hallway, in view through the doorway, and then just wave her back when I wanted to. I wasn’t missing church anymore because of her!!

It also wasn’t long before we rarely ever got to three.

So, what worked or works for you? I’d be eager to hear, and I’m sure it would help other parents as well.

St. Mary Magdalene's Day

In many ways, I am glad that the last meme I answered was "what were you doing ten years ago," not six years ago. But I'll tell you anyway.

Six years ago minus one day (the Sunday before the Feast of Mary Magdalene), I was standing at a font, holding my baby daughter as I could hear in my husband's voice that he was restraining tears of relief and joy as he poured the water over her head and baptized her in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. The way that his voice broke revealed six years of pain culminating in that little baby in our arms. Three miscarriages, three years of infertility, working toward adoption, and 42 weeks where every day it was in the back of our minds that her heartbeat could stop at any time, just like it did with Noah's. We'd already almost lost her 6 weeks into the pregnancy. And then there was the time the doctor couldn't find her heartbeat, and Jeff waited two hours not knowing what I was dealing with as I watched her kick and dance on the ultrasound.

Despite all our efforts for a vaginal birth after a c-section, we ended up with another c-section, but she was healthy and beautiful.

And then she was baptized. Then we could relax. The first birth was important. This was the most important. She was a child of God now, made one in the death and resurrection of Christ. Every moment of my pregnancy was a reminder that I was almost powerless to keep her safe, and that I still am. But she is in God's hands.

Today, the Sunday before the Feast of Mary Magdalene, my daughter Magdalena was welcomed to the Table. I was able to commune with her for the first time. I could hear her confess her faith publicly as I often have privately. I could take comfort that she is being strengthened by the Body and Blood of Christ, as she is fully capable of believing, and that she understands probably better than me. She doesn't have all the Science classes discussing the nature of matter or discussions with Baptists swimming around in her head like I do. She receives it in faith, the faith of a child that trusts that God is giving her forgiveness of sins, and knowing that she is sinful, she has talked about it and yearned for it for quite a while now.

Thank you dear Lord for Maggie being able to receive the most precious gift of your Body and Blood. For forgiveness of sins. For the comfort and strength that it brings to her faith, because it will always be weaker than it should be in this life. And for the comfort and strength that it brings to mine, being able to see her partake and be reminded that she is not only my daughter, but my Christian sister as well. (picture posted tomorrow)

In Pain You Will Bring Forth Children

Does it ever amaze you how incredibly similar events come up coincidentally, all at the same time? This week, I have found myself in discussions with several different people regarding the pain associated with losing a baby and the fear that is associated with getting pregnant again or also of not being able to get pregnant again.

Looking back on that week, I wish I had this post by Gauntlets at Concordian Sisters of Perpetual Parturition. It is the most beautiful post I have ever read about how frightening and painful fertility can be in this sinful world, and how being open to God's command to "Be fruitful and multiply" can only be done through faith in Christ's love and promises.

I also wish I had this to show to anyone that sneers at a larger family or thinks that mother is engaged in something less worthy than those who limit their fertility so that they can be more involved in other things. Gauntlets courageously shows us that "In pain will you bring forth children (Gen. 3:16)" doesn't start and end in the few hours of labor. Our very fertility, a gift of God, is the source of so much pain, and so much joy, and it follows us to the creation of that child, through the pregnancy, through the birth, and as that child grows. In this sinful world, these joys are always mingled with fear and pain.

Wow.

There are times that having an 11 year old and a 5 year old attempt to figure out what to do with each other is frustrating, to say the least. But there are times that they just inspire me with awe.

Today, I didn't have the heart to bring them inside to do school work. They were playing tee ball together and having a blast. They did nine innings, and Maggie won...with a score of 25 to 21. For the seventh inning stretch they had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches outside. They were happy.

Maggie is at that age where she is kind of apprehensive about the baseball. Those things hurt if they hit, so she sometimes closes her eyes. Jeff often reminds her "If you close your eyes, the ball doesn't disappear. The only way you can keep it from hitting you is to catch it."

Tonight she told Jeff that her brother has a different way of saying that to her. Chris told her "Imagine that the ball is a big happy dog, and that its favorite thing in the whole world is to run into your glove."

When Jeff told me this, I instantly had a flashback of how Chris would talk to my tummy all the time when I was pregnant with Maggie (it was some of our favorite cuddle times) and every day he would tell her about how he couldn't wait for her to be born so he could teach her about all sorts of things, including what a ball was.

There really are no words.

Who's Teaching Whom?

Maggie, my five year old, takes a P.E. class at Taylor University. It really is a wonderful thing. They need to give their teachers lab experience in teaching P.E. to kids, and P.E. is probably one of those most neglected areas in homeschooling -- so voila...they offer the class for free to homeschoolers every Spring.

I take the opportunity during the class to spend some rare alone time with me and Chris, and this week we ran off to Fresh Market. I'm not even going to go into the situation that came up (I've blocked it out because of frustration levels), but I was fifteen minutes late in picking up Maggie.

When I came into the gym, a few of the P.E. student teachers and their prof were gathered around my daughter, who was hula-hooping, quite adeptly. The guy teacher she has would make an attempt and the hula hoop would fall to the floor. "No, you've gotta move this way." Maggie was saying as she ground her hips in a circle as adeptly as Shakira ever could, causing a couple of the other girls to laugh about how perfectly she did it (one of those things she picked up in Vacation Bible School, doncha know).

As we were walking out to the car, I asked "so, you were showing your teacher how to hula hoop?" To which she emphatically replied " Well, I was TRYING to, but he just couldn't get it."

Deja Vu All Over Again

After lessons today, my 11 year old son was looking through the issue of Boy's Life which arrived earlier.

"Hey mom, listen to this!" he said excitedly. "At Rockies' Stadium in Denver (aka Coors Field), because it is so high, they have a row of purple seats near the top that marks the one mile altitude mark. That's pretty cool"

He looked up at me. I stared bemusedly at him. "What?" he asked after a minute.

I was so bemused because he HAD been there, and we dragged him (not literally) kicking and screaming right up to that row and made him grimace for a picture, as we were driving on our way to move here.

Well, at least now that he thinks it is cool, he can say that he's done it.

(another point to remember you exuberant moms of young ones who don't want their kids to miss anything...if it is before they are ten, they are just as likely to forget it as to remember it...and if they are male, probably more likely. My kids have forgotten more 'special experiences' than you could ever fathom)

It starts

My 10 and 3/4 year old son's I-Pod Nano came today.

I feel like I should be saying "My son started puberty, today."

He scrimped and saved for it for the last several months (doing a much better job than me, however, I am trying to feed four people, and I still am the one who keeps him clothed). I'm really proud of him. He decided that a refurbished one would suit him just fine and so he bought it and also bought a gift card so that he could purchase songs. That came two days ago. He's been working on his playlists ever since.

Now music has gained a stronger focus in the house. Now we have one more reason to compete with each other for the computer, since it seems he is forever wanting access to ITunes. When I holler for him, I can't be sure he hears me. On the bright side, Maggie can toot on her recorder without him getting irritated.

And oh my goodness, these things are tiny!!! He's going around like I did with the oh so cool Walkman when I was just a year or so older than him, but wow, these things are simply miniscule! Other MP3 players are even smaller, but there is something that just seems light and delicate about these!!

I shouldn't be complaining. You should see his playlist. Beethoven and Mozart, hymnody, a few pop songs, and still some of the children's songs of his youth (John Lithgow and the Muppets...but those are also, considerately, for his sister....but if they are "just for his sister," how come I hear him singing them all the time?)

My little boy is growing up.

And his mom wants an I-Pod.

Maggie is Reading....

Being with younger children every day fills my heart with warm moments and occasionally causes me to threaten to have myself committed. But there are two that always really blow me away. Potty training and when they start to read. I suppose it is because all the baby stuff are driven primarily by internal drives, if we can't properly call them instincts (not that they aren't awe-inspiring), but potty training and reading are purely socially imposed, and so they seem like an accomplishment of a completely different kind.

Both of my kids have learned to read early. I haven't pushed it, but went along with their natural curiosity. Teaching has not been hard. When they are two or so, and fascinated with the alphabet, I also teach them the sounds that the letter makes. This saves both of us time and effort. It is as simple as sitting down and cuddling with an alphabet book and saying "This is F....F says 'fuh'." So both get learned, and as they get older and start recognizing sight words, they start putting it together. They start asking questions, so the simple board books are brought back out and we work on sounding out words.

My actual preference would be to wait until they are seven or eight. I believe it is better for their eyes, and that there is nothing in their lives that is critically important for them to read at six that will damage them if they wait until they are seven or eight.

However, the reverse is not true. Children are constantly inundated with information from billboards, t.v. (yes, they do use words on t.v., and some that aren't pleasant to explain), and graffiti (also, generally not pleasant), etc.

Chris learned to read not long after his 3rd birthday. When he was 2 1/2, he was saying "what does this word say?" He understood the concept of a word. That is one of the first signs of reading readiness....so we worked on it a little. Not much. Then after his 3rd birthday, he picked up a Bob Book and started reading it. I still remember the look on my sister's face, a 2nd grade teacher, when he opened up the Winnie the Pooh board book she gave him for Christmas and started reading it. "I never would've believed it if I hadn't seen it." She couldn't say he memorized it. He'd never seen the book before.

But for all of that, there definitely was a lot of information out there that he wasn't ready for...billboards would provoke curous questions "Mommy, what's a gentleman's club?" He also hated driving in cars. The road noise bothered him, and I had to admit, it was louder in the back seat...but we'd be not five minutes from home, and he'd see the sign "Pasadena, Next 9 Exits" and start crying "I can't handle nine more exits!!!" Developmentally, he could not process the idea that it wasn't nine exits until we got home. We were getting off at the first one.

Maggie is almost five, and her process has been much more gradual, but this week, it has really taken off. She is looking at books, reading signs, etc. It really is amazing (just in time for the library reading program). I can tell that there is a logic difference, too, and it has changed the dynamic between her and her brother. Two weeks ago, whenever Chris requested "can I go outside and play?" I had to force him to take his sister with him.

Now, all of a sudden, she seems to have more of a function in life, from his perspective. I also have been amazed at the number of board games they are playing together. Monopoly, Connect 4, Bird Bingo, (and she's even beat him a few times)He's the one reading to her for the reading program (I think he figured out that the minutes count for both of them). After months of these little battles, she finally seems useful to him again...and not in a babyish, amusing way.

Wow.

Partial Birth Abortion Ban Upheld

Thanks to Luther at the Movies for this link to a New York Times article .

I couldn't help but cry when I was reading this article. I was amazed at how straightforwardly the article described the procedure of delivering the body of the baby into the birth canal (at this stage, the baby would be breech, or head up), and then having the baby's head crushed like a bug. Actually, I believe they insert a needle into the base of the neck and suck out the baby's brains so that the skull can collapse more easily.

This is touted as a ban on one of the safest procedures. I still do not understand, after having three children, how if a mother can deliver the baby's shoulders, why she cannot deliver the head. The shoulders have already passed through the cervix and the head remains to pass through (maybe because the arms might be coming through with the head?).

I remember being on the table when each of my living children were born full term by c-section, thinking "if an hour ago, I had presented a case that I was not ready to be a mother, we could be laying here preparing to kill my baby right now"

While some fear that this could be leading to an end to all abortions after twelve weeks into the pregnancy, the article states that there are other methods that can be used. The most common is a D&E, or Dilation and Evacuation. Here's the Wikipedia definition:

The first step in a D&E is to dilate the cervix. This is often begun about a day before the surgical procedure. Enlarging the opening of the cervix enables surgical instruments such as a curette or forceps to be inserted into the uterus. The second
step is to remove the fetus. Either a local anesthetic or general anesthesia is given to the woman. Forceps are inserted into the uterus through the vagina and used to separate the fetus into
pieces, which are removed one at a time. Lastly, vacuum
aspiration is used to ensure no fetal tissue remains in the uterus (such tissue can cause serious infections in the woman). The pieces are also examined to check that the entire fetus was removed.

"Used to separate the fetus into pieces." Used to CUT the fetus into pieces, decapitate, rip it up, and then systematically remove the limbs, the head, the torso, etc. from the uterus, in reality. Wikipedia also states that a "partial birth abortion" is medically referred to as an "intact dilation and extraction."

In both of these cases, actually in all abortion procedures, excluding RU-486 and the "morning after" pill, the mother is dilated for the procedure. Probably the biggest risk to her health has to do with infections from vacuums and knives being put in her uterus, as well as wounds and bleeding resulting. In most cases, if dilation occurs, the pregnancy terminates, because the baby is not held in the uterus. Think of the risks that women with incompetent cervices face.

A little over eight years ago, I was 18 weeks pregnant when I found out that my baby had died in the womb. Ultrasounds showed no movements, no heartbeat could be found, and judging from his size, it had happened and the amount of amniotic fluid that remained, my doctor estimated that it had happened a couple of weeks before. She said standard procedure in this matter was to refer me to an abortion clinic, because those were the doctors who had experience performing the D & E procedure. We refused. I wasn't going to put myself or something that had been so precious into the hands of these murderers. So I was induced (another common method of abortion after twelve weeks). It wasn't over in an hour like a D & E would've been, but my baby was born whole, and once I was dilated, he really just slipped out. Noah had these amazingly perfectly defined hands and feet . I was amazed at their beauty. I could see the nail beds. His body, especially his face and his skin, had already lost some of their definition and characteristics, but there was no doubt that I was holding a perfectly made little boy in my hand (which was about his size). I am never really quite sure if fetal pictures make the point or are more about shock value, so I didn't post his picture here, but I did consider it. I remember showing it to my then almost two year old. Chris looked at it and said "baby." It was clear to him.

I don't buy the argument about safety. I really don't. I wasn't able to deliver two children at term because of a narrow pelvic arch, but a 16 week baby (the ones that they say need to be ripped apart) passed through easily. What is being argued by abortionists is safety. but if we are arguing safety (and a part of me is wondering why I'm discussing the safest way to brutally murder someone), it would be much safer to induce labor, or to simply induce dilation, which they already do. But its not convenient...it takes time. It also might drive it home that a baby is being born.

But Satan is not about that. When he reaches out to corrupt and destroy, he leaves his mark. It is not enough to bring them out of the womb and simply let them suffocate, we need to tear them to bits while they still feel it. We need to burn their flesh with chemicals so that they die writhing in pain. We need to squash their heads like cockroaches, and we need to proclaim to all that this is a virtuous and noble procedure that is needed to protect women everywhere.

God bless the Supreme Court. Please continue to pray that this evil practice where we prey on our very own children stops. Please God, make it stop.


technorati tags:
partial birth abortion
Supreme Court
evil
birth and children

"Early" Communion

Today, I rejoice.

After months of discussing, catechizing, and debating; the children of our congregation will be welcome at the table when their parents and the pastor agree that they are able to examine themselves, and that they know what Luther states should be required of all Christians to commune.

"After confession and instruction in the Ten Commandments, the Creed, the Lord's Prayer, and the Sacraments of Baptism and the Lord's Supper...."

from Christian Questions with Their Answers...Small Catechism
(LSB p. 329)

If you read my blog, you know that this is a dear subject to me. But I really haven't addressed it on a personal note. I've been very grieved that my son, who has long been well-catechized and is ready, has not been able to commune. I've kept that part out of the issue when I have written about it, but it has grieved me. I know what it did to me to be ready and desirous of communing, and to be held off, knowing I had five years before I could.

My husband loves his flock, and he didn't want his son's communing well before what was "normal" to be something that caused offense, and he also knew that there was no particular reason why any person should wait so long if they truly desired to partake. So that required a process of making it clear why this was a good thing, why it should be the parents' responsibility to train their children in the faith and recognize when their own children were ready to come to be communed. Then he would examine them, continue in teaching if necessary, and allow them to come to the table if they are ready.

technorati tags:
Lutheran
Holy Communion
children and communion