I took some dorky Facebook personality test a month or so ago, and it said that I make decisions based on trying to avoid regret. I had a friend respond that he thought nothing could be far from the truth. That amused me, because I was absolutely astonished --because I've never seen some off the wall statement like that have me pegged so well. And I don't think its a bad thing. It helps me put things into perspective.
Generally, I'm not talking "afraid of regrets," because often, no matter which decision is made, there are regrets. It doesn't do to be afraid of them, though I think that it is natural.
For instance -- my husband and I really had quite a rocky engagement. But through it, I consciously knew that guys like him were few and far between. And deep down, I knew that I was far more likely to regret sending him packing than I was to expend the effort to work our way through the problems.
As I expressed in my previous post, I get pretty torn up sometimes about being the homeschooling housewife. It wasn't what I planned. It isn't where my gifts are. But in the end, every time I looked at going to work with small children, and then what our educational alternatives are, I've come to the conclusion that my regret would be greater if I didn't stay with my children. What they would lose is greater than what I would gain.
Sometimes this philosophy has led me to embrace big changes. Other times, it has preserved the status quo. I can't say that my emotions are always in agreement...or that regret doesn't still rear its head, or that I don't get wistful for the things that I wanted, rather than what was more wise.
And yes...emotionally I'm doing better.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Not Cut Out for This
(warning -- major tirade...you really DON'T have to read this.)
I'm losing it today. I probably shouldn't, but I am.
I'm not domestic. I wasn't raised to be domestic. In fact, my parents did a terrible job imparting domestic skills to me. I got punished and berated quite frequently for not doing my chores right, being organized, etc., but they never bothered with actually teaching me HOW to do these things or imparting these habits. Being ten years younger than anyone else in my household, my mother just thought it simpler to clean when I wasn't around. The few chores they did give me, such as vacuuming, I never did right. No, that's not the way it was said. Usually, my mom would look over the room and say "You didn't vacuum this."
These skills didn't matter. I was going to go to college and have a career. That's what I was told was important from when I was little. They kind of overlooked the fact that I still have to live somewhere and eat...even without the unthinkable possibility that I might end up "wasting my life" at home with my kids, doing a sucky job keeping house.
So I suck...REALLY suck at keeping house. And I hate it. Not that I haven't done Flylady, read books, etc. I still suck. And for this post, please spare me the "this worked for me bit." Because that's not the point.
I can say that I understand the VALUE of keeping house. I respect the sanctity of the home, the love that it imparts to my family, and the noble ideas of it all. But I still hate it. I WANT to like it. I know all about the doctine of vocation, too, and so I don't need to hear from the traditionalists who want to tell me that if I wanted to do anything else, I would be disobeying God's will. Bite me.
I went to college to be a therapist, to interact with the world. To help others. Now eighteen years later, I still don't have that frigging Masters degree done because of kids and moves and other stuff. I know that raising good kids is probably the best way to help the world not go down the toilet. I even know that to a large extent, despite all my "issues," I'm erasing a lot of the damage that my parents passed on to me.
I have managed to teach myself to cook, and I'm damn good at it. But cooking means cleaning. It's a never ending Sisyphean battle. When I clean, I find that I get extremely angry. I feel the paralyzing rage that I felt being stuck in those no-win situations growing up. I can just feel it flood up within me....which is probably the plus side of my also not doing a good job of imparting these skills to my children.
When I was growing up, the promise of the future was that I would be able to study something I was interested in and spend my life doing something that I enjoyed. Instead, 80% of my life SHOULD be devoted to something that I completely despise and suck at (and I'd be happy just to feel like I merely tolerate it). And I am surrounded by the proof that I suck at it.
This has become all the more clear this week, because I generally avoid the distress by eating out way too much, because eating out means no dishes, no food falling on the floor, etc. But I recently learned that I have celiac disease...or at least all the symptoms of it. There are now very few places that I CAN eat, especially cheaply (and no, I don't want the list of those, either). This is probably a blessing in disguise, because it means that rather than cooking 3-4 times a week, I am cooking every day, for most all meals (and no, I really don't want any advice here, either...or any recommendations on great gluten free pasta or baking products). I've lost ten pounds, and health-wise, I feel better, and the rushed trips to the bathroom have lessened considerably. But it means I am even more immersed in dishes and dirty floors, and stoves that need cleaned, and more time in a house that is a constant reminder of my inadequacies.
And I still suck at it.
I am completely overwhelmed.
I know I finally need to grow up and finally do this. But right now, I just want to hide in bed and cry...and punch something...repeatedly.
Thanks for listening. I may want some of those tips on all of these things later. Just not now.
I'm losing it today. I probably shouldn't, but I am.
I'm not domestic. I wasn't raised to be domestic. In fact, my parents did a terrible job imparting domestic skills to me. I got punished and berated quite frequently for not doing my chores right, being organized, etc., but they never bothered with actually teaching me HOW to do these things or imparting these habits. Being ten years younger than anyone else in my household, my mother just thought it simpler to clean when I wasn't around. The few chores they did give me, such as vacuuming, I never did right. No, that's not the way it was said. Usually, my mom would look over the room and say "You didn't vacuum this."
These skills didn't matter. I was going to go to college and have a career. That's what I was told was important from when I was little. They kind of overlooked the fact that I still have to live somewhere and eat...even without the unthinkable possibility that I might end up "wasting my life" at home with my kids, doing a sucky job keeping house.
So I suck...REALLY suck at keeping house. And I hate it. Not that I haven't done Flylady, read books, etc. I still suck. And for this post, please spare me the "this worked for me bit." Because that's not the point.
I can say that I understand the VALUE of keeping house. I respect the sanctity of the home, the love that it imparts to my family, and the noble ideas of it all. But I still hate it. I WANT to like it. I know all about the doctine of vocation, too, and so I don't need to hear from the traditionalists who want to tell me that if I wanted to do anything else, I would be disobeying God's will. Bite me.
I went to college to be a therapist, to interact with the world. To help others. Now eighteen years later, I still don't have that frigging Masters degree done because of kids and moves and other stuff. I know that raising good kids is probably the best way to help the world not go down the toilet. I even know that to a large extent, despite all my "issues," I'm erasing a lot of the damage that my parents passed on to me.
I have managed to teach myself to cook, and I'm damn good at it. But cooking means cleaning. It's a never ending Sisyphean battle. When I clean, I find that I get extremely angry. I feel the paralyzing rage that I felt being stuck in those no-win situations growing up. I can just feel it flood up within me....which is probably the plus side of my also not doing a good job of imparting these skills to my children.
When I was growing up, the promise of the future was that I would be able to study something I was interested in and spend my life doing something that I enjoyed. Instead, 80% of my life SHOULD be devoted to something that I completely despise and suck at (and I'd be happy just to feel like I merely tolerate it). And I am surrounded by the proof that I suck at it.
This has become all the more clear this week, because I generally avoid the distress by eating out way too much, because eating out means no dishes, no food falling on the floor, etc. But I recently learned that I have celiac disease...or at least all the symptoms of it. There are now very few places that I CAN eat, especially cheaply (and no, I don't want the list of those, either). This is probably a blessing in disguise, because it means that rather than cooking 3-4 times a week, I am cooking every day, for most all meals (and no, I really don't want any advice here, either...or any recommendations on great gluten free pasta or baking products). I've lost ten pounds, and health-wise, I feel better, and the rushed trips to the bathroom have lessened considerably. But it means I am even more immersed in dishes and dirty floors, and stoves that need cleaned, and more time in a house that is a constant reminder of my inadequacies.
And I still suck at it.
I am completely overwhelmed.
I know I finally need to grow up and finally do this. But right now, I just want to hide in bed and cry...and punch something...repeatedly.
Thanks for listening. I may want some of those tips on all of these things later. Just not now.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Ways to Show Appreciation for Your Pastor's Wife
I saw this tweeted today. Thought I'd post it. Pass it on :)
Ways to Show Appreciation for Your Minister's Wife
Ways to Show Appreciation for Your Minister's Wife
NaBloPoMo: Favorite Song
What was your favorite song this year? Five years ago? Ten years ago? Twenty?
"If It's Love" by Train. Its unique but it glories in simple love, which is rare anymore.
Five years ago? No clue. I even looked at the Billboard Lists for 2005, and the only thing I remember was "Honkytonk Badonkadonk." And that wasn't exactly a pleasant memory.
Ten years ago - "Carlene" by Phil Vassar.
Twenty years ago: Oh wow. I was 19 then, so EVERY song had some deep, intense meaning to me (well, except "Do Me" by Bel Biv Davoe)
But it had to be Wilson Philip's "Hold On" was my anthem. I had just moved out of my parents' house, was in college, and dealing with lots of "codependency issues," because that's what they called it then. I'd be more embarrassed about that, but it was # 1 for the year. :)
Not only that but Chynna Phillips had awesome hair.
"If It's Love" by Train. Its unique but it glories in simple love, which is rare anymore.
Five years ago? No clue. I even looked at the Billboard Lists for 2005, and the only thing I remember was "Honkytonk Badonkadonk." And that wasn't exactly a pleasant memory.
Ten years ago - "Carlene" by Phil Vassar.
Twenty years ago: Oh wow. I was 19 then, so EVERY song had some deep, intense meaning to me (well, except "Do Me" by Bel Biv Davoe)
But it had to be Wilson Philip's "Hold On" was my anthem. I had just moved out of my parents' house, was in college, and dealing with lots of "codependency issues," because that's what they called it then. I'd be more embarrassed about that, but it was # 1 for the year. :)
Not only that but Chynna Phillips had awesome hair.
Monday, November 01, 2010
If Housing Was Free (NaBloPoMo entry)
How would your life change if you didn't have rent or a mortgage to pay, i.e., if your housing was free?
There are many people who think that since we live in a parsonage, my home is free. It's not. When a parsonage is part of the package, the salary is significantly less. The district guidelines calculates its value at 25% of salary. Basically, 25% of my husband's paycheck is automatically withdrawn before we are paid. So if my home were free, our household income would increase by 25%. That would be a nice raise.
There are many people who think that since we live in a parsonage, my home is free. It's not. When a parsonage is part of the package, the salary is significantly less. The district guidelines calculates its value at 25% of salary. Basically, 25% of my husband's paycheck is automatically withdrawn before we are paid. So if my home were free, our household income would increase by 25%. That would be a nice raise.
NaBloPoMo
While many of you are doing National Novel Writing Month or whatever its called, I've decided to give this a try this month....looks interesting, and might get me back into the habit.
http://www.nablopomo.com/
http://www.nablopomo.com/
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